Dear Future Man of My Dreams —
I’ve grown up watching love stories my whole life, from Disney classics to black romantic comedies to Lifetime movies with Mommy. My favorite love story is “Titanic”; I appreciated watching Jack and Rose’s love transcend class and endures the test of time. Looking back, I was struck by the way love just seemed to happen to them.
Growing up, I had no examples of love happening to same gender loving black men like me. In fact, I had no examples of black gay men surviving and thriving at all. I thought my feelings were abnormal, and a mismatch to the faith in which I’d been raised – so I suppressed them. I excelled in school, I longed for acceptance from my black male peers, and I tried to be everyone but myself. And I always felt unfulfilled. I began to wonder if love was ever going to happen to me? The “truth” (read: a false self-fulfilling prophecy) hit me like a ton of bricks: I was going to have to create it.
I tried to (re)create what I saw in those love stories I loved so much: girl (read: boy) meets boy, falls head over heels, has passionate sex, and the rest is history. But my pursuit of this love became destructive. All the sexual encounters and failed attempts at “love” severely damaged my self-esteem. So I gave up. I hardened my heart and decided that I was incapable of loving — and not worthy of someone loving me.
But then I began to embark on a journey of self-exploration. I made the decision to sit with the pain I felt — pain stemming from low self-worth, professional dissatisfaction, and insecurities about my purpose here on Earth. And right at that moment, you walked into my life. You walked into it as a kind soul, a sweet spirit, and a caring heart. You’ve had the unique opportunity to see me at my very best — with all the layers stripped away. You love someone who I’m still learning about, and I wouldn’t be where I am now without you.
I remember asking my Dad how he knew my Mom was the one. He simply said, “I just knew.” All my life I’ve been looking for a formula for love. I’ve since realized the only formula is the process of self-actualization. The more I love myself, the more I am able to give and receive it. Black men loving black men is a revolutionary act because our ability to love each other is predicated on our ability to love ourselves. The more I accept myself for who I am, flaws and all, the more I find love creeping into my life. Just as I am no longer striving towards being a cookie-cutter version of somebody else, I realize my love does not have to resemble those movies, or my parents, or even Jack and Rose’s.
I no longer have to question whether or not this is love. That’s something that’s ours and ours alone. Our love resembles God’s care, His grace, and His forgiveness. Our love makes me feel safe and secure. It constantly affirms me, yet tells me when I’m wrong. It is in tune with what I say, how I feel, and the contradiction of the two. Our love is constant laughter when we’re together, and the harmony we experience far outweighs any argument or disagreement. Our love is extremely kind, patient, and would do anything to see a smile.
I am choosing to have faith in our love. I am choosing our unique story. I am choosing YOU.
XOXO,
Victor
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